


You saved me (in every life)

by Lisa94



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BUT ALSO HAPPY, Christmas fic, Fantasy, M/M, Sad, Strangers to Lovers, Time Travel, it´s a fluffy fic with sad elements I´d say idk, post Jay's Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9487265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisa94/pseuds/Lisa94
Summary: Louis can´t get over his mothers death. Until he found himself in another universe with a happy boy at his side that shows him that his life still has colour in it.**It´s super unrealistic and I´d say it´s Fantasy.Don´t Judge. Just Read!





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PiinkLemonade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiinkLemonade/gifts).



> Soo I had the idea in december. I wanted to write it for LolaTommo (Laura) Birthday. But then life happened and I couldn´t find the time to write it. So happy belated Birthday! At least it´s still the right month, right?

                                                                  

 

It was cold. The breath they left was shown in small cloud. It was sunny but dark clouds where slowly creeping towards the hot planet. The weather was reflecting Louis' mood. It wouldn´t really have been fitting to have a beautiful day at the day of his mothers funeral. Of course his mother had been beautiful and full of life. She deserved the best funeral possible. But Louis had the feeling that it wouldn´t be good for him. It was hard as it was. Having this one of the nicest days this year would feel – wrong. Unfair.

 

Louis felt alone. Enough people were around him. Family. Friends. But for Louis it felt like no one at this cemetry was able to understand his pain. His loss. He didn´t just loose his Mother. He had lost his best friend. The person he always wanted to tell every good and bad thing first. He had lost the most important person in his life. And with that he was alone. Alone with his pain. With this aching hole in his heart – no, entire body – that he didn´t know how to fix. Heck, he didn´t even know if he would ever be able to fix this hole. This deep wound that seemed to keep on bleeding. If he would ever be able to think about his Mommy without crying.

 

Hot tears made their way down his cold cheeks. He let them. Didn´t even try to brush them away. His chin was quieffering while he tried to be somewhat strong. Down there in that grave – the grave in which he just had threw a rose and some dirt – wasn´t just his mother. He had buried his love, hope and happiness. Every happy emotion he had felt. The only thing left was emptiness, pain and sadness. So much sadness.

 

A body made contact with his side and he knew that it was his sister. Hot tears ran down his neck where Lottie hid her face. All Siblings where close but Louis and Lottie had a special relationship. They had been each others support. Where Louis only had silent tears Lottie was full on sobbing. Louis was too empty to be very empathetic. He mutely and numb turned to his younger sister and pulled her in a hug.

 

The Siblings didn´t realize that all of the funeral guests where slowly leaving the cemestry and entering the small café opposit it where they would warm up and have cake and coffee. As if Louis could just have tea and a nice time when he had just took the hardest walk of his life. Louis and Lottie stayed at their mothers grave with their remaining siblings and stepdad behind them. Lost. Lonely. Hopeless.

 

♥

 

His flat was as messy as his life right now. Clothes where everywhere. Take out plates where still in the kitchen and on his couch tish. He knew that there were multiple bottles of beer in his beedroom. Not to speak of all the cigarete buds that where in every ash tray or selfmade ash trays in different rooms. Louis was as much of a mess as his flat. He had pulled himself together. Performed the single he wrote for his mom on the X-Factor. Mostly because she was looking forward to hear his first born perform a Song written for her live. She didn´t make it. But he still had to perform. For her. It was hard. Harder than anything he had done before. But he was proud of himself that he did it.

 

Afterwards came the breakdown. Louis locked himself in his flat in London. Not leaving the house. Living of alcohol, nikotin and take away food. He was numb. He couldn´t feel himself on bad days and didn´t want to feel the pain on good ones. The death of his beloved mother had simply been to much for him.

 

Louis was sitting on his window sail smoking yet another cigarette. His joggers ended in thick socks. His Hoodie was pulled over his head. He hasn´t had a shower in quiet some time. From his stereo blasted Knocking on Heavens Door in a more sad and melodramatic version. The Brit mouthed the words along with a break every now and then to take a drag. It was night and Louis couldn´t sleep. Something he couldn´t do a lot in the last week. From up here he had a nice view over busy London. They always said New York is the city that never sleeps. But for Louis that was also to be said for London. Even now – in the middle of the week – he saw business man going home or to a pub. He saw young girls in too short skirts on their way to some party. He saw couples making out. Cars honking and driving through the busy city. It seemed fake to the singer. How could they feel happiness down there when Louis was up here not knowing how his life should go on.

 

Heavenly sighing he pressed out his cigarette and closed the window. On his couch tish between take away, beer bottles and ash trays layed a colouring book with some pencils. Since his band took a break he had found this to be the only way to relax himself. It was nice because he would just colour in without thinking of anything. The break was more anxious and stressful for Louis as he would have thought. Especially as his Mom was diagnosted at the beginning of the break. Normally they where going from meeting to performance to interview to PR stunt. But now he was free. He didn´t know what to do. How to get his mind of the fact that his mother was dying. It was at one of those harder days that he started with the colouring book.

 

Louis knew that he wouldn´t find a minute of sleep that night so he sat down and got a blanket to cover himself. He then took his book and kept colouring the page he had last been working on. It was a picture of a landscape that was basically just forest. But at the bottom was a small villiage as it seemd and on top of a hill was a little hut. For some reason it felt comforting to Louis to see and work on this perticular page.

 

♥

 

At some point Louis must have felt asleep. He woke up again feeling comfy and too hot. With closed eyes he threw the blanket off him and turned around on the couch. And almost fell down. How? His couch was great to sleep on he would never fell down. Blinking it took him a while to realize the impossible. He wasn´t in his flat. And he had no idea where he was. His heart started hammering like crazy in his chest and he sat up. Louis wasn´t even wearing his clothes. Maybe the Joggers he was wearing were simuliar to his. But the shirt he was wearing was way too big on him. He doesn´t own clothes this big.

 

The house or wherever the hell he was was tiny. He could see everything from where he was sitting and only because there was a chimney in the corner with a fire in it. Opposite to him was a kitchen aisle. Infront of him a small couch tish and next to the couch was the chimney. On the couchtish layed a laptop – again not his. Next to the sink in the kitchen were two used glasses. Two more doors were leading from the room, one of them surely a bathroom. Louis stood up and made his way to the two doors. Whoever brought him here hopefully wasn´t going to hurt him. At least he wasn´t chained up or something.

 

On his way to the first door he came along a window. It was dark outside. Either in the middle of the night or very very early in the morning. But Louis could see small lights far away. But with it being so dark outside he still had no idea where he was. Couldn´t be London. It was never this dark in London. Louis opened the first wooden door before he could freak out too much and found himself in a bedroom. Thick curtains hang infront of the only window so it was hard to see anything. But with the light that came in from the other room he could make out a person laying in the king size bed.

 

Was that his kidnapper?! Louis hadn´t thought about who got him here. He hadn´t even entertained the idea that someone was here with him. His tired brain wasn´t ready to proper function yet. But there was a stranger in a bed. Next to the room where he woke up in. In a house that Louis didn´t knew and had no idea where it was. Panic started to rise in him and he quickly took a couple steps backwards to leave the room. Maybe even the house. To just run away to somewhere … well he didn´t know where to.

 

In his panic he didn´t think about looking where he was walking so it scared the shit out of him when the door fell shut behind him and the room went dark. With a stranger in walking distance. He could hear the shuffling of bed sheets and the person mumbling something. Louis stood still in hope that he wouldn´t be discovered. But no such luck. A deep voice cleared his throat and the person sat up.

 

„Hey Babe. Is it morning yet?“ Louis didn´t dare to answer. Babe?! Did that guy even mean him? Was there another person somewhere in this house?! „Hey, are you still mad? Or will you finally come to bed and cuddle?“ _What the fuck_?!

 

♥

 

„Louis!“ The Brit had threw open the door and fled into the living room. This had gone from creepy to weird very fast. He didn´t came far before an arm came around his waist and held him back. Louis let out a very un-manly scream and started fighting against the stranger. Who was that creep?! He was strong that was for sure. He was able to manhandle Louis without a problem and turned him around. But Louis wouldn´t just give in. He wasn´t ready to die this young. He started throwing punches to whereever his fists found a target.

 

„Louis! Hey, look at me.“ The stranger tried to make eye contact but Louis was not having it. His heart would jump out of his chest very soon if the stranger kept that game up.

 

„I don´t know who you are!“ Louis screamed. „Let me go!“ He pushed against the stranger´s chest, tried kicking against his shins.

 

„It´s me, Lou. Harry. Your husband of three years. We´re here to take a break from everything. Remember?“ Louis heard the words but they made no sense. The panicking man pressed his eyes shut and kicked and pushed and hit some more.

 

„No! I don´t know you. I don´t have a husband. I don´t even have a boyfriend! My management would never – I – you´re lying!“ Louis couldn´t breath. His vision became blury and little stars started jumping infront of his eyes. He felt like colapsing but the strong arms were still holding him tightly.

 

„Louis, you just finished your first Solo tour. I just wrapped my latest Movie. We wanted a vacation from the fame and the crazyness around our names. A month for just us.“ The stranger tried again to look into Louis' eyes. To make contact. To get through to him. But Louis was to busy trying to get air into his lungs.

 

„Don´t! Don´t show me a future I will never have!“ Louis screamed hystericaly once again. The images coming to his mind were painful to see. It was something he really wanted but couldn´t have. Would never be able to call his truth.

 

„Boo. Darling.“ It was meant to be soothing but the images that came to Louis when he heard these two words where worse than anything else.

 

„No!“ Louis went slack in the strangers strong arms and went down to the ground sobbing. The arms didn´t disappear. The stranger just went down with him, holding him tight while he cried out his fear and pain.

 

♥

 

The sun had come back up once Louis stopped crying and leaned weakly on Harry. It wasn´t that he accepted that this guy was supposed to be his better half. But he just cried himself tired and really didn´t think that he could actually move a single bone or muscle anytime soon. Harry got Louis up and moved them to the couch to sit on and stay in each others company some more. Now with the sun up Louis could see that the hut they were staying at was on top of a hill. Snow was glistering on the trees that surrounded them. The lights he could see earlier was a small villiage at the end of the forest.

 

It took him another hour but then Louis sat up and brought some space between himself and Harry. Harry immediatly got up to get them both a glass of water and some crackers to eat. Louis tiredly rested his head back on the couch and kept an eye on Harry. The man that said was his husband. Louis knew that he was gay for quiet some time. He just never acted on it because his management made clear that he would only date very female partners for as long as he was under a contract.

 

Harry wasn´t bad looking. And if Louis was honest with himself then Harry was his type. He was taller. He was a good cuddler. He had great, thick hair that he could run his hands through. But husband or not. Louis doesn´t have feelings for him. How could he had no idea who Harry _was_.

Said man came back smiling with the glasses and the crackers and sat back down next to Louis. Louis took the glass and drunk most of it in one go. Crying had made him thirsty.

 

His eyes fell on his right hand that was holding the glass. And the ring that was on his ring finger. A ring that definetely wasn´t there before. He wasn´t one to wear jewellery. Louis couldn´t even feel panic anymore. He put the glass down and stood up. This was just so unreal.

 

„Do I – I mean – do we have cigarettes here?“ he asked. He really needed a good smoke to process all of this. Harry nodded and got up to give them to Louis. He thanked him quietly and looked for shoes and a jacket before he got out and sat on a small bench that was under the living room window. It was freezing cold and Louis lighted up the cigarette before taking a deep drag. He shuffeld his feet through the snow and tried to get his brain to stop working.

 

It was working okay until he opened his eyes again and saw that the view before him – the snow, the forest, the village, even the lake – wasn´t new to him. It was what he was colouring in before he woke up here. How the _fuck_ did he manage to wake up in his _freaking colouring book_ with a husband and perfect life?! What kind of sick dream was that? Louis would´ve wished that it was a dream. But all of this felt way too real to be a dream.

 

He was wearing a freaking wedding ring. And if he would look on Harry´s hand – _his husbands hand –_ there would be an identical one. He just knew it without even questioning it. He had a husband. A well going solo career. Had a husband that he was out with. Had found someone in the same business. He was on a freaking romantic getaway.

 

It was everything he always wanted but couldn´t have. And whatever was going on it was just unfair to show him only to rip it away again. He had enough ripped away in the last weeks. He didn´t need this. But his heart longed for happiness. And this was the closest to have anything like it. He would have love to cry. Let out more of the emotions build up in him. But he was empty. Just as empty as he had felt right after the funeral.

 

Louis was beginning to get uncomfortable cold so he stub out his cigarette and went back in. Harry was still sitting on the couch looking concerned when Louis stepped back in and put away his shoes and jacket. Harry had his bottom lip between two fingers and didn´t look away from his husband. Louis sat back down and took a deep breath.

 

„So. Husband?“ he asked and played with his ring. Harry nodded still with his lip between his fingers.

 

„For two years actually. We had our wedding in the country. In the middle between Doncaster and Holmes Chapel. That´s where I grew up.“

 

„Of course.“ Louis laughed humourless. Harry looked at him with questions in his eyes. „Of course you´re the perfect man and we grew up in the same area.“

 

„Ehm … thanks?“ Harry asked and Louis had to smile at Harry´s confused face.

 

„What else can you tell me?“

 

„We met on twitter. You actually tweeted me about one of the movies I did and we kept on talking and yeah.“

 

„That sounds so cliche.“ Louis said and put his knees up hugging them to his chest.

 

„Yeah? I think you actually tweeted me drunk. It was something about a nude scene in that movie – you probably don´t know my movies – but yeah. You were all about apologizes afterwards and I just thought you were cute. So I wanted to keep talking to you and it went from tweets to DM to WhatsApp to Facetime. We talked for hours and then I invited you to one of my premieres and then it was only three more days and we were dating. That was five years ago.“

 

„That´s a fucking fanfiction.“ Louis said and rubbed over his tired eyes. If this would´ve been a dream he would be very happy and not this confused and tired. It had to be real.

 

„It´s actually our life.“ Harry laughed but stopped abruptly. „Or not. If you don´t remember any of this … what do you remember?“

 

„Well...shit happened in my life. I am Single and very much gay. I signed a contract that won´t let me have a boyfriend. I only just released my first solo single and had one performance. I was colouring in some picture and fell asleep in my London flat. And woke up here on the couch in I don´t even know where. And don´t call me crazy but … ehm … well all of this is the exact thing I was colouring in.“ Louis didn´t look at Harry. It sounded crazy in his own ears.

 

„That´s … a different life. And … sorry, but it sounds crazy.“ Harry grinned.

 

„Yeah. Tell me about it.“ Louis muttered into his knees.

 

„Okay. Ehm whatever happened here it´s how it is now. And – I don´t want to freak you out – but when I look at you I only feel love. I only see my husband. Even if the two of you aren´t the same person. So ... I´ll give you time and space. And I hope that one day you´ll feel the same when you look at me. That you want to feel the same.“

 

„Thank you.“ Louis nodded and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. It would be an interesting time.

 

♥

 

Living with your husband that you don´t really know is less weird than Louis would have thought. Of course he felt the loving looks that he received but couldn´t give back. And in those moments he mostly didn´t know what to do or how to react. But otherwise it was like living with a room mate. Maybe one that had a not so secret crush on you – but a roommate. Harry had made clear that he would sleep on the couch and that Louis could have the bed until he was more comfortable around him. But Louis refused. He wasn´t fragile or sick or anything that would´ve been a good reason to take the bed and Harry was way too tall to sleep on the couch. He would destroy his back.

 

So Louis was waking up on the couch again this morning. He felt relaxed after the last day was spend with talking and crying. Both man didn´t talk about it but knew that this was only a vacation for them. They had to get back to their old – well Louis' new – life and Louis needed to know his details. So they talked. And talked. About small things. About Harry´s life. About Louis' life. About Louis' life that he remembered.

 

Louis had learned that Harry´s last name was Styles. That after their wedding they kept their names for their careers but were legally the Tomlinson-Styles. The couple had three houses in three different citys. It was rare that both of them were home at the same time because of shooting locations for Harry and Tour locations for Louis. So they mostly saw each other on the days when one of them was free and could fly out to see the other one. They were the media darlings and paps followed them everywhere. Their Instagram Accounts were full of their happy life in pictures and fans were gushing over it all day long.

 

It was a future Louis longed for. A future that somehow had turned into his reality.

 

Louis was the first one awake. The sun was shining and the living room / kitchen was dipped into a nice orange light. Louis got up from the couch and went to make two cups of tea. And than he looked for something to eat. In one of the cupboards he found some chocolate cereal and made himself a bowl of it. A small smile made it on his face. At least he seemed to have the same taste in this different life.

 

With his cup of tea and his cereal bowl he went back to the couch and put both down on the small table. He then went to knock on the bedroom door. If Harry was awake he could come out to get breakfast with Louis. Only then he got comfy under the blanket he used to sleep under and got started on his breakfast.

 

He sat sideways so that he was still able to see everything going on outside of the hut. It was still covered in snow and absolutely beautiful in Louis' eyes. It was one of those places where he would love to take his siblings to have a fun day out. He could see Daisy and Phoebe taking the smallest twins on a sleigh ride. Ernest and Doris in small cute snowsuits. Fizzy enjoying that she was with her family. Lottie snapchatting everything but being the responsible one and knowing how to have fun at the same time. Maybe they could even bring her boyfriend.

 

The sound of a door opening ripped Louis out of his daydream and back to the real world. Harry was standing in the doorway – only in his boxers and with wild wild hair.

 

„Morning.“ Louis said with a small smile.

 

„Hi.“ He was taking a step towards Louis but then he stopped in his tracks and seemed to not quite know what to do. It was surely Harry´s instinct to kiss him good morning after being a couple for 5 years. But Louis was thankful that he didn´t try to do it. That he had stopped himself.

 

„I made you tea.“ Louis nodded to the kitchen counter and ate another spoon of his cereal.

 

„Thank you.“ Harry took his cup of tea, checked the fire place and sat next to Louis but leaving enough space between them to keep a respectful distance.

 

„Did you sleep well?“ Louis asked and drank the milk out of his bowl and put it aside. Harry nodded. It was weird. Not really awkward between them but they also didn´t know what the right thing to do was.

 

„Ehm … I guess.“ Harry didn´t look into Louis' eyes and Louis could slap himself for asking this question. It was a simple question, yes. But if it would be the other way around Louis would sleep horribly if his better half was in another room not knowing him.

 

„So, do we have plans? Like are we here with activities we wanted to do?“ Louis asked. Harry shook his head.

 

„No, we just wanted to chill out. But we could go down into town? The Christmas lights are really pretty to look at.“

 

„Christmas lights? Christmas is over, isn´t it?“ Louis was confused. He didn´t think about it but he just assumed that it was at least the same day just somwhere else. Which would mean that he woke up here on Christmas day which means it should be Boxing Day.

 

„Ehm no, it´s not. Christmas Day is our last day here, we still have a week.“ Of course. Why would anything make sense?!

 

„Well, okay then. Let me have a shower and we can go see Christmas Lights.“ Louis brought his dishes in the kitchen and made his way into the bathroom. It was small – only a shower and a toilet – but the hut was so small that nothing more would have had space.

 

After his location and time traveling he felt like he was on a roadtrip without a shower for a month. Which was stupid but he was glad that he could have a warm shower and start fresh and new. In this weird world he lives in now. He couldn´t leave anyways. It was after the shower that he was standing in the middle of the small bathroom with nothing but a towel realizing that he was missing fresh clothes. Or clothes that were fitting for that snow weather.

 

„Ehm … Harry?“ Louis called out through a gap in the door. He was trying to keep his body hidden from Harry´s eyes. The other man was still sitting on the couch but now with some winter clothes on.

 

„Yeah?“ He looked up and smiled as he saw the waterdrops running from his hair down Louis' face.

 

„Is there any chance that I have some clothes here? Otherwise I´d have to go in this towel.“ Louis joked. Because let´s be real. He wouldn´t leave the bathroom in just a towel with Harry right over there.

 

„I wouldn´t mind.“ Harry joked right back and yes – it was better than the awkwardness during breakfast.

 

„Sure you would. Can you just get me some clothes?“ Louis asked and Harry laughed and got up and disappeared in the bedroom. It took him maybe 5 minutes until Louis was left alone in the bathroom with some clothes. It was a black jeans with a grey sweatshirt. At least he had the same fashion sense in this other universe.

 

While drying his hair his ring reflected the light from the bathroom lamp. Louis put the hairdryer back to where he found it and played with his ring. This was surreal. Married with a stranger. He felt the need to take it off but they wanted to go out. And in this world they were out as a married couple. If anyone saw them they would wonder why Louis wasn´t wearing his ring. And the rumours that would start with that would just be unfair for Harry. And him. 'Cause he had to live this life now.

 

But he could wear some gloves. Hopefully he had some of those. The ring was feeling heavy on his finger so he took it off and put it in his jeans pocket. Maybe he could find a chain or something to put it around his neck. He didn´t want to loose the ring in case that they would need it later.

 

„Okay, I´m ready. Shall we go?“ Louis asked and steped back out in the living area. Harry was already dressed with shoes and his coat. Curls were hangig out of his beanie and Louis had to agree with his horny teenage self – Harry was very attractive.

 

„Yeah. Your shoes and your coat are over there.“ Harry pointed to the end of the sofa and Louis started putting on the clothes.

 

„Do I have gloves?“ Louis asked and Harry shook his head. Well then. They made there way outside. As they stepped foot into the forest Louis finally lit up his morning cigarette.

 

„Just tell me how famous we are in this universe. And how likely are we to be recognized?“ Louis asked during two deep inhales.

 

„Ehm … pretty famous. We are both very good and successful at our Job and with that comes a lot of fans and paps. But this is a very small village and I don´t think that we´ll get recognized. I mean before this switch happened we´ve been here for three weeks and nobody came up to us.“ Harry kept a respectful distance between them. Louis took the last drag of his cigarette but kept it in his hand. He didn´t want to just throw it in the forest.

 

„Okay.“ He at least wouldn´t have to worry about the missing wedding ring.

 

„It´s okay that you took the ring off, you know?“ Harry said and looked at the ground. Louis surely would´ve seen the hurt in his green eyes otherwise.

 

„It´s … it should be nothing and I would put it on again if people would see us that could make a big deal out of it. But it just feels … i don´t know like it doesn´t belong to me. And I guess it doesn´t really. You didn´t marry _me_. It was a different version and … this is just messed up.“

 

„Yeah. I thought this trip would be different, too. But at least you´re not some asshole version of my husband.“ Harry grinned widely at Louis. „And believe it or not but the two of you aren´t that different. You´re just … more sad.“

 

Sad. Was he happier in this universe? Was his life filled with more happiness? It was hard for him to think back about times where he was his happy and bubbly self. It felt wrong.

 

„I didn´t mean to assult you.“ Harry backtracked.

 

„No, you didn´t. I mean .. you are right. I just don´t like thinking about it.“ They had left the forest and stepped out onto a small street that seemed to go straight up to a lake. Stores, Restaurants and Café´s were left and right. Louis felt a bit like he was in the Harry Potter world and walking through Diagon Ally.

 

„Okay, let´s talk about something else then.“ Harry smiled easily and started walking towards one of the store windows. It was a display of knick knacks. Stuff noone needed but his sisters would buy just for the heck of it. Louis' heart ached once again thinking about his family. Would he ever see them again? His fingers twichted to buy that weird looking phone case that Lottie would love. But for what? What if his siblings in this world were different? Didn´t like the same things? What if he had a family in this universe but they were strangers to him?

 

Louis took a breath, smiled faintly at Harry and started walking again. He wanted to adjust to this life. He didn´t want to be miserable all day. But it was hard. It was like he lost his entire family in a couple of days. With slow steps Louis walked forward during the snow. This really was a winter wonderland. The Snow was all white and not so weirdly brown and mushy like he knew it was in London. The people walking around all seemed happy in their winter clothes. Little kids were laughing and running around – playing in the snow.

 

The village really wasn´t big and it took the two man about 30 minutes to arrive at the end of it. It really was a lake. But it was completely frozen. Infront of it was a big christmas tree full of lights and ornaments that seemed to be selfmade. A christmas choir stood in snow infront of the tree and sang a song that didn´t do good for Louis' aching heart.

 

„ _Oh hush, sweet babe,_  
There is nothing you should fear,  
Just hush, dear babe,  
For my love is always here.“

 

Louis stood still and listened to the choir. He felt Harry come up behind him and just being there. Maybe he could feel that Louis was close to crying. And that his mind was somewhere else. Or Maybe he really was like the Louis Harry knew so Harry knew that Louis didn´t want to be touched right now. But that he was glad that someone was there. It was good to not feel completely alone when he felt like everything was took from him. Only after the choir was done singing and started a happy _Jingle Bell_ that Louis turned to Harry.

 

„Shall we get something to eat?“ Louis asked and Harry nodded. There were a lot of small restaurants and café´s and Louis let Harry pick one out. He knew where the good food was. Harry decided for a restaurant with a lake view. It was a cute restaurant and the walls were covered in magainze pages with articles or photographs and fairy lights.

 

„This is really nice.“ Louis said after they sat down by the window. The wooden table between them wasn´t very wide and with both of their elbows on it they were almost touching.

 

„Right? It´s nice to be able to enjoy the nice view. You know without paps and cameras in our faces.“ It must be really bad. It wasn´t easy for Louis. He of course got followed and he couldn´t really leave the house without a blurry picture taken by someone recognizing him. But for some reason people always were excited about other people´s love life especially same sex relationships. So the pap thing probably was worse than he already knew.

 

„I guess we should … I mean maybe we could come back one day. To relax.“ Louis suggested. Harry looked at Louis in a way that he couldn´t describe or read but in the end he smiled and nodded.

 

„Yeah. That sounds nice.“ The waiter came to take their order and both of them went for some warm waffles with hot cherrys and hot cocoa. Just a cozy meal in this snow wonderland. „Do you think we can make this work? I mean be actually comfortable with each other? Show the world that we´re happily married?“

 

„Well like you said you´re not an ass. So … I guess we can learn to … be a couple.“ Louis hid his face in his hands and groand loudly.

 

„What?“ Harry laughed.

 

„Isn´t this weird? We´re married. For real. With rings. And for some reason I´m not the one you married. But we´re famous so we have to be the same couple. Because the papers will notice. And I don´t know how to be a husband. I don´t even know how to be a boyfriend. All I know is how to be in a pretend relationship with a very female partner that I have absolute no interest in. So I don´t …“ Louis was close to hyperventilate again and Harry jumped into action.

 

„Hey. Louis. Breath. C'mon feel my heartbeat and breath with me, okay?“ He grabbed Louis' Hand softly and put it on his heart. „Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. You´re doing good. Keep going Louis.“ Slowly Louis got back to normal breathing.

 

„Thank you.“ Louis said lowely.

 

„No, of course. Are you okay again?“ Harry asked and started caressing Louis' hand that was still on his heart. Louis nodded.

 

„Yeah.“ Louis slowly took his hand back and ate another piece of his waffle. While chewing he put his fork down and looked at Harry with big eyes. „We don´t have any kids, do we?“ Harry just laughed loudly in response.

 

♥

 

„Hey Louis?“ Harry asked from where he was sitting on the floor next to the little Christmas tree and infront of the black and white record player.

 

„Yeah?“ Louis asked right back. He was sitting on the couch reading one of the books he found laying around.

 

„Remember how you asked about how famous we are?“ Louis nodded and put the book aside. Harry grined and hold up a disc with Louis' face on. „Now this … is your first solo album. Which came out at the beginning of the year. It´s in our guest house. Everyone has it.“

 

„Please don´t put it on.“ Louis pleaded and throw his head back on the couch.

 

„Yeah, I get it. I don´t like seeing my own movies aswell. Anything else you want to listen to?“ Harry put the disc back on the stack and looked at Louis with questions in his eyes. Louis shook his head.

 

„No. Just not something with my face or voice on it.“

 

„Oh I found something! It´s a classic.“ Harry´s whole face lit up with excitement as he put on the new record. Not even a minute later The Jackson 5 started singing about how they want someone back. Harry got up and danced his way to the sofa were Louis was sitting.

 

„No!“ Louis said and put his knees up. Harry just started singing with the record very off tune and kept his ridiculous dance moves up. He wouldn´t quit animating Louis to follow his lead either.

 

„Harry stop!“ Louis laughed without wanting to but his roommates dance moves were too funny to not laugh about.

 

„C'mon have fun!“ Harry took Louis' hands and pulled him up to his feet. As soon as both of them were standing in the middle of the room Harry let his hands go and starting with his ridiculous dance moves. Louis just sighed but then started dancing himself. Only a little bit with his hips. But Harry kept up his dance – danced around Louis with all limps he had, sang off tune in his face and did everything to make him laugh and let loose. And it worked. Around the middle of the song Louis just went with it. Moved in a way that he only did when he knew no cameras were around and sang with Harry.

 

Once they started they didn´t stop so they danced and sang and felt silly until the record was over. Louis was smiling when he left Harry heavy breathing on the floor and went to get them both something to drink.

 

„So did you have fun?“ Harry asked after he almost emptied half his glass and looked at Louis who sat next to him on the floor.

 

„Yes, I did. Mostly because you can´t dance nor sing.“ He was still smiling and that was something he hadn´t done in a while. Smiled – and meant it.

 

„Hey!“ Harry frowned and pouted at Louis. „We can´t all be super talented singers and dancers.“

 

„Oh I´m not a good dancer.“ Louis said.

 

„Excuse me? Next time we´re doing this infront of a mirror. You sure know how to use your body.“ Harry decided and layed down on his back with his hands on his stomach.

 

„We most definitively are not doing this again infront of a mirror.“ Louis argued and sat more comfortable cross-legged.

 

„We´ll see.“ Harry grinned.

 

„Do you cook by any chance?“ Louis asked after a while. The dancing had made him hungry.

 

„I do. But not right now. I don´t think that I can get up anytime soon.“ Harry closed his eyes.

 

„Don´t fall asleep! I can´t cook!“ Louis shoved his foot in Harry´s rips and Harry grabed his ankle.

 

„You´ll survive. Let´s just sleep for a bit.“ Harry patted Louis' ankle.

 

„Fine. I´ll cook then. But let me tell you that the last time I cooked it was burned and my mo- we had to throw out the pan I used.“

 

„No, no. Don´t kill us. I´m up.“ Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes. „But you make me coffee or I really will fall asleep.“ The actor got up and went to the kitchen.

 

„I wouldn´t have killed us. But nice of you for cooking.“ The singer followed to start on that coffee. „So what are we making?“ He asked after he prepared the coffee machine and sat on the kichten counter.

 

„ _I am_ making a veggie paella. Which I think you will like.“ The man with the curls started cutting the washed vegetables and Louis hummed lowely to himself.

 

They were back to feeling like roommates after the awkwardness that happened the last day. It was nice because like Louis said before he didn´t know how to be a good boyfriend – or a pretend boyfriend – and feeling like you´re doing this with a friend was way better than doing it with a stranger.

 

♥

 

The next day was a very lazy one. Harry and Louis went from the sofa to the floor to the bed and back to the sofa. They talked. They laughed. They connected. At the end of the day they found themselves again on the bed. It was the first day that both of them were in the bedroom. Harry was laying on his back looking at Louis. Louis was laying on his side observing Harry. He wasn´t sure if it was because they were supposed to be together. Or because they were together 24/7. But there were some feelings that Louis couldn´t deny.

 

He slowly touched Harry´s Tattoos. Traced the black lines and made his way up to Harry´s neck and kept going onto his face. He just had that urge to touch him. Too feel the soft skin under his touch. The imperfections. He touched the sharp jawline. The soft lips. The straight nose and the closed eyes. From there his hand traveled into the brown curls. Smiling Louis wet his lips and scooted a bit closer to press his lips carefully against Harry´s. Testing. Just a brush of lips. Harry stayed where he was and let Louis discover his body and lips on his own pace.

 

Louis smiled at Harry and brushed a stray piece of curly hair back where it belonged behind Harry´s ear. He then leaned in again and kissed Harry with more pressure. Tried to part Harry´s lips and Harry did. He kissed back but never tried to take control. Louis kissed him for a little longer and then cuddled closer to Harry. Harry´s breath was deep and he started caressing Louis' back. It was comfortable lying like this. Doing nothing but feeling the others company.

 

„Do you feel like going out?“ Harry asked.

 

„Going out?!“ Louis most certanly wanted to stay in Harry´s arms and do nothing.

 

„Yeah! It´s dark now. We can actually see the Christmas lights this time. We also need new fire wood.“ Harry kissed Louis' forehead which made the singer smile.

 

„What is the deal with you and Christmas lights?“ Louis laughed.

 

„I don´t know. They are pretty.“ Harry shrugged one shoulder to not disturb Louis who was lying on the other one.

 

„Alright you romantic goof.“ Louis pushed himself up in a sitting position. „Let´s go see those pretty christmas lights.“

 

Harry smiled up at him and sat up aswell to kiss him again before getting out of bed and looking for their shoes. He found them after some looking around under the bed and with shoes, coats, scarfs and beanies they were ready to go. It sure was a bit creepy to walk through that forest again when it was that dark outside and literally everyone was asleep. Louis was glad that they were at a place now where he could just grab Harry´s hand and feel a bit more safe.

 

It was a full moon night and the snow was glistering around them. It was peaceful and Louis couldn´t loose his smile. Harry let go of Louis' hand when they both stepped out of the forest and put his arm around Louis' waist to pull him closer.

 

„Look how pretty this is!“ Harry exclaimed. Well he wasn´t wrong. It was nice seeing the fresh snow and the fairy lights in the trees and noone around.

 

„It is. What is your plan now?“ Louis asked.

 

„Just walking I guess. I like to enjoy this.“ Louis let it be and let Harry look at his lights. The singer was just happy to see the happiness on Harry´s face. It was amazing that Louis could feel this way about a man that he felt so weird around just a couple days back. It sure had to do something with his conection they somehow had because this other him was married to this handsome man.

 

It was cold but Louis and Harry were in their own little world with their body heat warming them in this cold winter night. That night – way later when both of them had a hot shower and were on their way to bed – Louis put the wedding ring back on his finger.

 

♥

 

Christmas Eve – and Louis' Birthday – was spent in town. They had been so often in the hut that Louis wanted to enjoy the happiness that was radiating from everyone that was in town. It was his happy day after all. And it had to be better than his last one. He can be happy even if he was now without his mom. He can still enjoy life. Somehow Harry showed him that in the last couple of days.

 

„We should take a birthday selfie.“ Harry said and oh – do they have their phones? Louis hasn´t looked for it since he woke up on that couch. Thinking about it he hasn´t seen Harry using one either or one laying around for that matter. But no. Harry actually got out a camera. One of those were you had to wait a week until you got your photos.

 

It was weird thinking about it. That people were still using one of those. In a world where everyone had a smartphone and felt the need to share everything with the world to get a lot of likes. But then again it felt right in this weird little happy town. To not have a smartphone but an actual camera.

 

„Okay. Let´s do it over there, yeah? I like the sea. It get´s my mind at peace.“ Louis said and pointed to the frozen lake not far from them. They had been at a little tattoo shop to just look at tattoos. Both of them had some and weren´t opposed to get some more. But for today they just got some with a pencil the tattoo artist draw on their wrists. Two little hearts. They felt sappy.

 

„Sure. Someone else needs to take the picture.“ Harry looked around and found an eldery man that said yes with a big smile. Happy town.

 

„Okay. Smile on three.“ Louis and Harry put their arms around each other and smiled into the camera. „One … Two … Three!“ The light went off and the picture was taken.

 

„One more please!“ Harry asked with his best charming smile and the man nodded and put the camera back infront of his face.

 

„One … Two … Three!“ In the last second Harry turned to Louis and with one look Louis understood what Harry wanted and leaned up to give him that kiss. It would be a nice picture. Hopefully.

 

„Thank you so much!“ Louis thanked the man while Harry put the camera back in his jacket pocket.

 

„Shall we go eat? Maybe in that restaurant we were that first time?“ Louis nodded smiling and interwined his fingers with Harry´s. It was even nicer now that they were together – at least Louis thought that they were. Their feet were interwined and the couple was holding hands on top of the table. They didn´t go all out for his birthday meal even though with the amount of money they earned they easily could´ve ordered the most expensive meal.

 

But they setteled on two pieces of cake. Because what would a birthday be without cake?

 

„Are you enjoying your birthday?“ Harry asked. Louis nodded.

 

„Yeah. I mean I had my 25th Birthday and it was shit. So this is really nice. Like a second chance to start this new year the right way you know?“ Louis played with Harry´s fingers while telling him.

 

„Why was it shit?“

 

„Just – shit. Don´t really want to talk about it. Today had been good let´s not make this a sad day, yeah?“ Louis started playing with Harry´s ring. The ring that made them one. Conected them. Maybe it would´ve been different if Harry had been at his side through it all. Through the diagnose. The hospital time. The periode when it got worse. The darkest day in his life. Maybe he wouldn´t have that depressed phase. Maybe he would´ve been able to push through it all with a safe place like Harry at his side.

 

„Just know that you can talk to me about it if you feel like it, yeah?“ Harry made sure and Louis nodded. They finished their cakes and payed before walking back out hand in hand. There was a Christmas service and the people around them were all dolled up and heading for the church.

 

„Should we go the service?“ Louis asked and looked up to Harry. „It´s Christmas Eve after all.“

 

„It´s your day. If you want to go to the service we can go to the service.“ Louis took the lead and followed the people into the church. It was a beautiful church. But very catholic. The huge cross with Jesus hanging on it right behind the altar. Candles were burning. The small bank for them to kneel on was covered in red cloth. The benches were out of a dark wood.

 

It was a beautiful church. But at the same time it reminded Louis of a time he wanted to forget. He saw himself sitting there. In one of the banks in the middle. Maybe 8 years old. Looking up at the priest as like he said the truth and only the truth.

 

„Dear God. We pray for those who are on the wrong path. For those who think they love. Help them finding back on the one true path. For the love you want for them.“

 

At that time Louis didn´t understand it. He was confused. Wasn´t he allowed to love? Why did God had to approve of his love?

 

„Louis? We should sit down. C'mon.“ Harry pulled on Louis' hand until he moved forward. Following Harry blind and numb. As he sit down he saw his younger self in a different row. Couple years older. Maybe 13. He remembered that time. He had just found out that he might like boys a bit more than girls.

 

Every Sunday's getting more bleak

 

„Let´s pray!“ the priest had said and Louis had folded his hands like he had been teached. „Dear God. Help us living a life you want for us. We pray for love. For happiness. For everyone on this earth to be the way you wanted us. We pray for you to help us be the version you had in mind when creating us.“ Louis' hands had started to shake. He still didn´t understand what the prayer was about. But he had a feeling that his feelings – his love – wasn´t right for god.

 

„Louis? Hey, are you okay?“ Harry called out for him and Louis looked at him. He lost the picture of his younger self.

 

A fresh poison each week

 

„I´m fine.“, he said quietly. Looking through the church again he found himself again. 17 years old. Front row at the church next to his mother and his siblings. They all had their heads down and were praying for god to guide them on the right path.

 

„Daddy what is the right path?“ Louis remembered hearing the little girl behind him whisper.

 

„To love and live the life in the only way god wanted.“ Her Dad had answered but it hadn´t been answer enough for the girl.

 

„What is the right way?“ she had asked.

 

„A boy and a girl, sweety. We pray for everyone that loves the same gender to find the right path again. It´s important. Don´t forget that.“ Louis' hands had fallen apart. He remembered the feeling. Of loneliness. Like he wasn´t accepted. Like he was praying all this years for something to heal that made him happy. He felt sick. He felt alone.

 

_We were born sick, you heard them say it._

 

The singer couldn´t sit here and listen to the service. As much as he wanted to. But all of it reminded him of the beginning of the end. The start of his doubts about his sexuality. It had been better. He had accepted himself. But then his fucked up Management had come and destroyed it for him again. He got up and left the church without looking back.

 

Louis sat down at the frozen Lake. The lights from the Christmas Tree were reflecting on the thick ice. The singer was alone. Everyone was home or at church. The church that Louis had to leave. How was it possible that in 2016 they still had to listen to crap like that? That they wouldn´t be allowed in heaven because they were gay? Because they found the love that so many people are looking for? What was wrong with loving the same gender? It was the same love that everyone else felt. What is the difference if a girl loves a boy or if a boy loves a boy?

 

He didn´t know of the priest of tonights service would say the same prayer. But he knew that people out there were still feeling that way about people like him. Gay people. _Sins_.

 

Louis never was very religious. But with the death of his mother it felt important to him that he would go to heaven some day. Because Jay had been an angel on earth. So logically she had gone to heaven. And Louis had to follow. He had to. There was no other choice. He had to be able to see his mother again. It was the only thing that kept him going and now some old man thought he could take him his only hope?

 

„Sweetheart.“ Harry sat beside Louis and the singer rested his head on Harry´s shoulder. The actor put his arm around Louis and held him tight.

 

„Do you believe it?“ Louis asked quietly. „That we don´t go to heaven because we love man?“

 

„No. But I also don´t neceserly believe in a heaven, so -“

 

„I have to. I have to believe that there is a heaven or else I couldn´t go on.“ Louis couldn´t look at Harry. He just couldn´t.

 

„How come?“ Harry asked calmly. Of course he asked. But it felt okay. It felt like Louis could speak about it. Alone out here. With the calm Christmas atmosphere.

 

„Mom she – the diagnose was made in January 2016. It was so bad, Harry. The doctors tried but – it only got worse – and cancer´s just – she died the first December week.“ Harry didn´t say anything. Just tightend his arm around Louis and pressed a kiss on his beanie.

 

„I have to believe that she is in heaven. And that one day I´ll follow. I need to believe that I can see her again. But if what the church says is true – if we aren´t worth it. If what we feel is a sin. If I have to hide again to get to heaven then I´m not sure if I want to go to heaven, you know?“

 

„Louis, I´m sorry that you had to experience that. But in this world you haven´t lost her. She´s very much alive. You can call her. We can visit her on the way back home.“ Louis shook his head and tears made their way down his cold cold cheeks. She couldn´t be alive. Louis wouldn´t feel this this _empty_ if Jay was alive in this world. He wouldn´t. She wasn´t here. She was up there. One of the stars that gave light to the once on earth that were looking for the right way to go.

 

„Louis. It´s another universe. You´re happy here. You have everything you wanted. Jay is alive.“ Harry tried again but Louis just hid his face between his knees and cried harder. This couldn´t be real. He couldn´t feel this shit if it was true. How was it even possible to live a life that was so good? A life where he fell in love within days? Put a wedding ring back on? Where nothing was bad and everything was happy? How was that -

 

The colouring book. He was _in_ that freaking colouring book. Nothing here was real. Nothing. And he was in the middle of a fat lie that was making him feeling unfairly happy. The time would come and he would have to leave all of this. He would have to leave Harry. The thought alone made him cry so hard that he fell against Harry and grapped him with everything he had. He couldn´t leave Harry behind. Harry who teached him how to smile again. To laugh. To live a life without his mother happily.

 

„I´ll miss you so much!“ Louis cried into Harry´s chest.

 

„What are you talking about?“ Harry asked with another kiss and laughed unsurely.

 

„This isn´t real. Nothing is real. _You_ aren´t real.“ And Louis cried and cried and cried. It was like using his mother but different. He didn´t feel empty once he was done crying. He felt at peace. He had found his happy place. Somewhere he could go back to. But that doesn´t mean that he was ready to leave all this and go back to his grey, sad world.

 

♥

 

Louis woke up and knew that it had happen. The smell of cigarette smoke was back in his nostrils. His own couch was under him. The Colouring book on his lap. He was in his own universe in his own flat. Alone. Sitting up and looked around in the mess he had called his flat – home – for so long. He could still feel Harry´s arms around him. Feel his lips press light kisses to his skin. He could still feel the secure feeling he had felt when he was with the younger man.

 

His phone was lying on the coffee table and he unlocked it and went straight to Twitter lokking for _Harry Styles_. There he was. An picture of his face. With man bun and glasses and so so handsome. Louis scrolled down to read his bio.

 

_Actor. Amateur Photographer. Dreamer._

 

Tears were coming to his eyes. Harry hadn´t been a made up perfect man. He actually excisted. He was real. He was an actor. He might even be able to safe Louis a second time. Louis didn´t think but typed down his first tweet in a long time.

 

_Had a dream that @Harry_Styles saved me. Thanks buddy , needed it!_

 

Without waiting for a eventual answer he locked his phone and went do open his window wide. He felt like a knew person. Or his old safe. Happier. Lighter. And finally out of that dark place. It took him over two hours to clean his flat. But at the time it was time for lunch he could actually say that this was a place where he would like to live in. Louis let himself fall on the couch and checked his phone. And there it was. A DM from Harry.

 

_Don´t know what I did but you´re welcome! Tell me when you need saving again. H_

 

_ fin _

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> btw I feel like I need to write this but I actually don´t really go to church. So I have no idea how a prayer would look like and yeah. If it´s totaly shit and unrealistic and stuff just ignore it! 
> 
> Also if you feel like listening to some music here´s the soundtrack!  
> 1 Amoi seg' ma uns wieder – Andreas Gabalier  
> 2 Knocking on heavens door – Raign  
> 3 Roses – Shawn Mendes  
> 4 Spaceboy – The Smashing Pumpkins  
> 5 My Love is Always Here – Harry Potter 7 Soundtrack  
> 6 I Want You Back – Jackson 5  
> 7 Kids In Love – Shawn Mendes  
> 8 Take Me To Church – Hozier   
> 9 Heaven – Troye Sivan, Betty Who


End file.
